Here’s a satirical guide to becoming the absolute worst blind date imaginable.

How to Be a Terrible Blind Date: A Complete Guide to Romantic Disaster

So, you’ve been set up on a blind date. Maybe by a coworker. Maybe by your cousin. Maybe by that one friend who keeps saying, “You two would be perfect together,” despite overwhelming evidence that they have terrible judgment.

Most people aim to make a good first impression. This guide is not for those people.

No, this is for the elite few who wish to turn a pleasant evening into a psychological endurance event. If your goal is to ensure there is never a second date—and possibly no dessert—follow these proven techniques.

Arrive Late, But Make It Weird

Being ten minutes late is amateur behavior. Aim for at least forty-five minutes. The key is to offer increasingly confusing excuses via text.

Examples include:

• “Sorry, my goldfish escaped.”
• “I accidentally got emotionally involved in a parking dispute.”
• “The vibes at the gas station were complicated.”

When you finally arrive, don’t apologize. Instead, sigh heavily and say, “You would not believe the day I’ve had,” before refusing to elaborate.

Dress for Maximum Confusion

A blind date is not the time to look polished. It’s the time to look impossible to categorize.

Wear:

• A tuxedo jacket with basketball shorts
• Hiking boots with no apparent signs of hiking
• Sunglasses indoors
• A hat that suggests you either own a boat or stole one

Your date should spend the first twenty minutes wondering if you’re a magician, a failed DJ, or fleeing authorities.

Order Aggressively

When the server arrives, ask at least fourteen questions about the water.

“Is this filtered?”
“What are the emotional origins of the ice?”
“Do the lemons have a backstory?”

Then order something impossible to eat gracefully. Spaghetti is good. Ribs are excellent. Soup is risky but rewarding.

At no point should your mouth be fully empty while speaking.

Dominate the Conversation

A terrible blind date understands that conversations are not exchanges. They are hostage situations.

Talk exclusively about:

• Your fantasy football team
• A dream you had in 2017
• Cryptocurrency
• The time you almost bought a jet ski
• Your deeply personal feud with a barista named Trevor

Never ask your date questions. If they attempt to speak, interrupt immediately with “That reminds me of something about me.”

Introduce Conspiracy Theories Casually

About halfway through dinner, lower your voice and say:
“You know clocks were invented by Big Calendar, right?”

Do not explain further.

Create Strange Future Plans

Nothing scares a person faster than hearing the phrase:
“We’ll laugh about this at our vow renewal.”

Mention hypothetical children. Name them. Debate which one is your favorite.

Be Weird About the Bill

When the check arrives, stare at it silently for a full minute like you’re decoding ancient ruins.

Then say:
“I left my wallet at home intentionally. Society relies too heavily on currency.”

Offer instead:

• Three Canadian Tire coupons
• A polished rock
• “Exposure” for the restaurant on your nonexistent podcast

End the Evening Incorrectly

At the end of the night, maintain prolonged eye contact and say:
“I can tell this is going to become a very complicated documentary someday.”

Then leave abruptly before they respond.

Ideally through the kitchen.

Final Thoughts

Being a bad blind date requires commitment, creativity, and the complete abandonment of social awareness. But remember: while this guide is satire, somewhere out there, someone is accidentally doing every single one of these things completely seriously.

And honestly? That’s what makes dating so magical.